Showing posts with label Money Money Money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Money Money Money. Show all posts

Monday, March 30, 2015

Map My Digression

Ella, born with blonde in her hair and a strong jaw, takes the bus to school. 

She walks to the bus stop using her swollen feet, and makes her usual comments about the weather to the benches.  They are typically good listeners, or at least they are polite enough to pretend.  Either way, the sky is purple and she misses her mother because of it.

The bus driver is early, so he takes a few moments to make a phone call.  He's probably calling his girlfriend because he is listening to You Make My Dreams by Hall and Oats on the radio and lets the passengers put their feet on the seats.

A few people get on at the stop next to Walmart.  One woman doesn’t have enough change to ride, and a man with cigar lips behind her lends her a handful of change.  She was short a dime because she decided to buy a snickers bar last minute. 

Ella, afraid of everything and wary of small talk, tenses up when he sits next to her.

A couple gets on at the third stop and their legs twist together like licorice.  Ella, who has never held someone’s hand, looks away uneasily.

The man, calling himself Mr. Brown, tells Ella of a secret, “Once it’s on, you won’t want to turn it off.”

No one gets off the bus at the fifth stop.

Ella, raised by strict parents with good standards, eats an apple.

She runs through her list of chores for the day.  Buy milk, take the Christmas decorations down, read the seventh chapter from the Humanities textbook, clean out the fridge, take a nap.  She thinks about calling her mom.  She decides she’ll do it later in the week.

Mr. Brown gives his seat to a pregnant woman who gets on at the next stop.

Ella, who saves $30 from each of her paychecks but he doesn't know what for, coughs.

A family gets on the bus at the stop by the University, and Ella gets off.

And Mr. Brown waves goodbye, and Ella thinks of her term paper, and the pregnant woman puts her purse on the floor and sighs, and the couple with licorice legs have licorice arms too, and Mr. Brown watches and wishes his wife would talk to him more.

And Ella, born with a weak back and blonde in her hair, goes to school.


Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Let It Go


















"What are your plans, then?"

"I don’t know."

"Whatever happened with that arts school?"

"I got in...
I’m not going, though."

"Why not?"

"It's cheaper to stay here."

"That's true."

"Chicago will still be there.
I can wait."

















I never figured out how to participate in class.
I plan everything I say two days before I say it.
He didn't want to talk to me after we kissed.
I laugh when I should cry, and I cry when I should smile.
Only three people remembered my birthday last year.
The cute boy in my film class didn't sit by me this week.

My older sister once told me that she didn't like me until I stopped being ugly.
My dad still hasn't gotten a job after all these years.
One day he took me to dinner and when he went to pay, he realized he didn't have enough.
"I got it, dad.  Don't worry."




I can't use a curling iron.
He didn't love me back.
I got bad grades last semester.
I go out of my way to avoid talking to people I want to talk to.
I'll probably never be a movie director.
He hated my favorite song.
We'll never move out of my grandparents' house.
What if I never meet Tina Fey?
Or what if I do, and she doesn't like me?
I don't want to get married.
I don't want kids.
I don't want to be happy.
I don't even think I'd let myself.
I jut want to eat food forever.
I hate my nose all the time.
Marla West once said it was beautiful, and I laughed at her for saying so.
I will never be charismatic.
I'm not fun enough at parties.
Or sexy enough to be liked.
Or really anything at all.
I spend a lot of time trying to be someone other than myself.
And I think about it way too much.


I realize that none of it matters.
We'll all be dead soon, anyways.
I'm going to be just fine.




I took a deep breath, and I let it go.

I let it all go.