This one is different. Because it's late, and I can't sleep, and I'm afraid if I do, I'll forget the way I feel right now, in this moment, when my shoulders hurt and my head is heavy.
I really should be asleep right now. I've got to wake up in 5 hours for church, and I can't afford to not listen anymore. I'm trying this new thing where I'm good at church. So far, there have been no immediate results.
I have to say some things I cannot say out loud. Please don't think of me as cheap. I am not looking for pity or justification. I really just want to sleep.
1. My first memory is of me telling a lie. It was the beginning of the nasty habit I still have today.
2. My older sister is the reason I am the way I am. I didn't want to be like her. I wanted to be better. I wanted to not be made fun of. She's the reason I do not speak. She's the reason I am insecure. But she's also the reason I've always loved God.
3. I've learned some things about my father that I cannot say. Just know that my heart weeps for him, and because of him. He is equal parts magnificent and broken. And I just don't know what to think anymore.
4. The day we lost our house was the day I figured out that some things are better off lost. And what you want most is the thing you will never know.
5. My life of moving has not made me an outgoing person--it's done quite the opposite. I can no longer connect to people.
6. My roommate is unhappy because I'm not enough.
7. I once was a good writer. I'm not anymore.
8. The people I thought would never leave or forget me have done just that. And even though I'm used to the feeling, it still sucks. Being familiar with something is not the same as being okay with it.
9. I'm pretty sure the reason I can't remember a lot of my childhood is because my mind blocked most of it out. The reason for this is something only my past knows.
10. The boy I thought would save me instead broke me down. And he left a scar on my leg to prove it.
11. I am overly sentimental because nothing in my life is permanent. Except the disappointment.
12. I will someday be very rich, because I can't stand the fact that my mom wakes up every morning at 4:30 to answer phones.
13. A part of me will always wait for him.
14. I think I'm losing my mind.
(Pictures from Donald Glover's Instagram)
your best yet.
ReplyDeleteAnd what you want most is the thing you will never know.
3. I've learned some things about my father that I cannot say. Just know that my heart weeps for him, and because of him. He is equal parts magnificent and broken. And I just don't know what to think anymore.
ReplyDeleteThis one's me.
I also can't sleep.
Also, I think about you all the time and I think I've come to the conclusion that you're the greatest writer I know.
ReplyDelete7 just makes me mad. But that's a compliment.
ReplyDelete"14. I think I'm losing my mind."
I think you get it. All of it. I'm a little broken. This is like the rubber cement helping me keep it together. Even if the pieces are just clinging together, ready to snap at any minute. Thank you.
ReplyDelete